What's My Story
"A New Beginning"
lithium03
Before I had a relationship with Jesus I had no idea what a Christain even was. I didn't know I wasn't a Christain. I always thought I had believed in God since I was in 3rd grade. All I knew was that I wanted that person who could do miracles in my life. He sounded awesome. I talked to him like I would talk to all of my other friends. I was 8 so I talked about the usual. But, as everyone has always told me, I have always been more mature than I should be so my talks were deeper, at least for an 8 year old.
I lied, cheated, stole, I did whatever I wanted. I was young and very naive. No one told me what I did was wrong because they all did the same. No one even knew what I did because I was so good at hiding it. I did whatever I had to to get by and to have a life.
Later I saw people I knew, friends, family, getting in trouble for things I had been doing. I knew someone that had died from what I was doing. It definetly gave me a wake up call. I had always known what I was doing was wrong, I was just never big enough to face myself. I didn't know what to do when everyone I knew wasn't there for me anymore. I felt so alone and depressed. I began to cut and from there it just escalated. I couldn't stop. I didn't know what it was to be addicted to alcohol or drugs, though I knew people that were, but I now what it's like to be addicted to cutting and hurting yourself. I was addicted to darkness. The cutting got worse as the mask on my face hardened. People had no idea I was so hurt. My grades were pretty good, though I almost never was in class. There were times when I could only think of suicide and even attempted it twice. I don't think it's selfish. I just needed a way out. My parents didn't care, they didn't want to know. They had enough problems dealing with each other and my older brother who also had problems with drinking. They didn't really see me. My dad's drinking got worse and my mom's temper got worse. We weren't a real family. I didn't really have any real friends that I completely trusted with telling them what was going on at home. I felt alone. I was, in fact, quite literally a lone. But that's when I realized God was there. Jesus was there. I had always had them before. I started talking to him like I did when I was little. My talks were mature, once more because of all that I had been through. I knew darkness. Many don't. But I did. I knew what it was to feel as if no one was there. But I was so mad at God, it took me a while to really open up. He let so much happen before really showing himself to me. I wasn't stupid, I knew exactly why he did it: so that I could reach that point in my life. But the fact he never even checked in on me was terrible. He let so much happen. I talked, he didn't answer. I started keeping a journal. I thought maybe he'd hear me then. Of course that didn't really change but it helped me get things out. Even now I still use it. I keep poems, writings, and so many different thoughts in there. You can document a lot of my life in that journal. You can see exactly how God plays a role in my life.
From then on, I realized God would always be there for me.
I've had many urges to cut since stopping. Sometimes even breakdowns which lead to relapses for a short period of time. But, I pray and he pulls me through, letting me know that he loves me.
And I know that no matter what, I have life to the full. When I die, God will be waiting for me in heaven.